Love Among the Tomatoes

Marty Durwinkel, the world's most nondescript gigolo, has a conundrum. He was such as good escort to mobster Frank Vincenzo's sultry daughter, Regina, that now Frank wants Marty to marry her. Along with the deal comes a high mafia post, an ever-bearing, weather-resistant tomato plant--and most of Montana. But there are a few problems: Marty doesn't want a wife, and neither does his tomato-breeder girlfriend, Elizabeth. Even the Vice President of the United States has an opinion, after she walked all over Marty's chest in stilettos. But most of all, as the greatest slacker of all time, Marty just doesn't want to run anything, let alone a powerful crime empire. Throw in a castle with a butler named Groats and you have a Wodehouseian world complete with a protagonist worthy of Knighthood. Or at least worthy of a good ménage-a-trois and a chewing gum factory in Jersey.